Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
