Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
