I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
