Swine flu is the new snow day.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
