Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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