Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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