I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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