My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
