People in love make me want to vomit
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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