Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
