Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
