Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
