I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
