I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
