After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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