and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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