Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
