I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
