Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
