so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
