It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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