You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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