I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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