$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
