Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
