You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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