It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
