Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
