My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
