I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
