I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
