I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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