I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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