that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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