How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
