i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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