you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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