for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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