That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
