What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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