What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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