I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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