What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You ruined the universe
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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