I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
