Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
