You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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