I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I want to have your abortion
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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