First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
