what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
