we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
