Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
